searching

I think there are some nights (yes usually nights) where I feel a striking sense of insignificance. That perhaps in the long (and maybe even short) run what I say, do, feel, am ... doesn't really matter. I think in these moments I'm constantly looking for affirmation.

I remember a time when I knew what I did mattered. When I felt like my gifts were being used for the betterment of others. When I could watch people grow in small group, think deeper about God, make challenging decisions because of the things I said. Maybe that's still happening here. I just don't know. I guess maybe sometimes I just want to know - that the efforts that I make, the things that I say really do matter. I mean sometimes I think I know - but I can always convince myself otherwise until I hear it from someone.

Somehow my solution to this feeling has always been one of avoidance - like watching TV. to lose myself in a world where i really can't make any impact at all, but somehow that doesn't matter.