reading!

as to my new years resolution to read at least one book per month (it seems like quite a meager goal, but albeit realistic), I am making some progress. On my trip to taiwan I got a chance to finally really take time to READ. I forgot how good it feels to read; to get sucked into a book and not want to put it down.

so that inspired me to go on a book buying binge the other day. I went to b&n to buy a book. i was thinking about getting up in the air (i.e. movie based on book), but after flipping through it didn't look that enticing. So i ended up wandering around and found a table of "buy 2, get 3rd free!" books. Normally I'd think - that is way too many books to buy, and I need to stop buying books. But that day, I just thought, I think I'll read them all, hopefully.... So I came home with 1100+ pages of reading. But I'm already halfway through the first book! thanks to being sick and staying home.

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Books I've read (i'll try to keep updating on books i'm reading):
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. this book was incredible. It was the one that I couldn't put down. I bought it b/c i saw it at costco and it looked interesting so i just picked it up. its a memoir, incredibly a true story. The writing was beautiful and the stories were engrossing, but i think the most compelling thing about the whole book was that everything was real. It chronicles Jeannette's childhood in a family where her parents never had the resources, financially or emotionally, to take care of their children; the Walls kids band together to learn to take care of themselves, finding hope and optimism in situations that did not merit any. I was amazed once again by the resilience of children (of these children in particular), and at the same time angry that you had to find out about their resilience at all.

The Gospel According to the Son by Norman Mailer. JZ gave this book to me more than a year ago, but i never got around to finishing it. It's Jesus' life told from his point of view. I think what I like most about it is that he portrays Jesus as very human- not necessarily human as in flawed, but human as in able to be hurt, able to be weak, able to feel very deeply. It was sort of confusing, to read one person's imagined account of who Jesus might have been- to try to distinguish what was real and what was not. But in the end I think, Jesus was a man; Jesus was real. And we can't think of him as an abstraction; we all end up imagining our own picture of who he might have been. I think the last few sentences really resonate with who I imagine Jesus to be: "So I think often of the hope that is hidden in the faces of the poor. Then from the depth of my sorrow wells up an immutable compassion, and I find the will to live again and rejoice."

currently reading: Little Bee by Chris Cleave. "I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.
"In a few breaths' time I will speak some sad words to you. But you must hear them the same way we have agreed to see scars now. Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive. The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile."

work

so much snow work keeps getting cancelled. I've been stressed out about it b/c i have important experiments canceled but can't do them cuz the gov't keeps closing! I guess I should enjoy my time off, but getting stressed out about it instead.

i dunno why it's annoying to me when people tell me - why are you at work on a snow day?? stop working?! that i'm the only one who seems to be annoyed at the lost work week. that when i talk to people work seems to just be something you do- to get by, to make money/a living, because that's what you have to do.

and i know i'm probably an idealistic med student. but I guess being a student, that idea of going to work to put in your hours, as an obligation, as an obstacle to things you actually want to be doing with your time -- its so foreign to me. I mean, not to say that this is how i think everyone else feels about their job, but there is that aspect to it at times. While I'm doing research here at NIH, really i'm the one who benefits if I work hard, and i'm the one who pays if i don't.

what ever happened to simply believing in the intrinsic value of your work/job? I wonder what it will be like when i actually have a real job (many many years from now...)

bubble

currently listening to: only you by david crowder band

i know i live in a bubble. that i've been blessed in every way possible to be living in this bubble.
but there are just moments in life that remind me life isn't all fine and dandy, butterflies and rainbows.

this week:
1) just hearing more and more on haiti. i used to hate reading the newspaper/watching the news. sometimes i still do. Just more and more stories of brokenness in the world, things like haiti, things like economic hardship, but also so much of people hurting other people. In the depths of it all its just hard to see hope.

2) this past weekend when i went to PY's for church poker night. when i walked out of the metro i'm just standing on the escalator and then the lady in front of me says "that's no good." i look up and i see a young black guy vomit up blood onto the rail of a nearby escalator. two more are handcuffed on the ground. police and sirens everywhere. i had no idea what happened, but i passed some people on the street that mentioned some gunshots? i was pretty freaked out and just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible; this is definitely not what i expected at 7pm at gallery place. this was a pretty jarring experience for me, but for someone else it's just life. during all of this, my mp3 player was playing praan, a song from the where the hell is matt video (if you haven't seen it, i'd recommend it. a guy named matt goes and dances around the world, 42 different countries. that somehow invokes a feeling of common unity in human joy, that maybe there is hope for the world.) it just felt like an ironically sad moment straight out of a movie- as if to say, we still have a very very long way to go.

chameleon

i've just be realizing lately that i feel a lot like a chameleon. that i see myself tailoring my words and attitudes to whoever i'm talking to. because i think you'll agree more, laugh more, and of course like me more. but blehhh.... i really don't like it.

recent baking adventures

So I've been trying my hand at baking ever since moving to DC. I think having people to bake for, who want to eat my experiments helps. haha, i.e. small group mostly :P Here's a few of the things I've made recently:

Pecan pie, of course. Made it for christmas, as part of a "gift" for my dad. I don't know what it

is about pecan pie, but its sooo good. I think i've made at least 4-5 in the past few months for multiple thanksgiving and christmas occasions. haha, i'd say i'm perfecting it, but somehow it

comes out a little bit different every time.

Lime custard tart. I don't remember why i wanted to try this. But it turned out really good. Tiffany and I made it, also during Christmas, but

for my dad's birthday (12/28). I think my mom liked it the most! because she loves tart/tangy flavors. But yes, it was really good. I would definitely make it again. Thank you epicurious!

(http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Lime-Custard-Tart-107435)

Christmas cookies! Of course we had to make them. We had a few creative ones going-- like

state of maryland, taiwan, treasure chest (or house), snake, creepy smiley face... they were all delicious. Man i ate so many cookies over christmas.... This shot features tiffany's super asian/cute happy face. yay.

some of my recent experiments for small group:

Yes this is exactly what it appears to be-- chocolate covered bacon.

It turned out... interesting, is the only word i could used to describe it. I think i overcooked the bacon; though my personal preference is for chewy rather than crispy bacon. It was sweet and salty. I'm not dying to eat it again, but it turned out a lot prettier than i thought. I'd like to give it another shot someday, tweak the recipe a little. I think it has the potential to be pretty mindblowing...

And last but not least, my most recent baking endeavor-- red velvet cake balls! (Inspired by: http://www.bakerella.com/red-velvet-cake-balls/)

So I have eaten these before. I don't remember where, or when. But I remember being with JK, and being soo surprised at how moist they were on the inside. So when I ran across this baking blog recently with the recipe so I had to try it!!

First a before pictures, the balls are neatly in a row, before being dipped in the messy chocolate!

and the finished product:

yum. (yes i did purposely take a bite just to take that picture...)

p.s. had an amazing weekend in killington over MLK weekend-- Sunday morning, there was just a breathtaking view from the peak of the mountain-- of just this ocean of clouds below us. For that moment alone, it was worth the trip. But besides that, we had a blast~ :D

me-world

currently listening to: revive me by jeremy camp
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things i've lost in the past two days
one glove
a key ring with my giant bonus card, borders reward card, library card, etc.
a bible
my journal
my patience
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yesterday's sermon addressed the idea of "me-world." that somehow in our culture, in our language, our attitudes, we've come to believe that the world revolves around us. That we have come to believe that the solutions to our problems are all in the self-- self knowledge, self-esteem, self expression. It is these things that will save us.
Paul says: "For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)
In me-world, we say: "To live is me, and to die is the worst thing that can possibly happen." (death = the end of me)

the speaker made a reference to descartes I really liked-- he said (loose paraphrase), even descartes knew: "I am not the center/creator of the universe; I am not my own god. For if I were, then I would have constructed a world which was perfect for me. But, clearly this is not true." just to say, seriously, who do we think we are? even though I may think: "i'm not dumb, I know that I'm not God"-- but I still act like I am. I still act as if I can fix all my problems on my own; I still act as if I have control over what happens; I still act as if what I want is of infinite importance. I was just struck by how easy it is to fall into "me-world," even if I'm completely aware of God. It's not something you remind yourself once a year when a nice sermon comes along. you've got to be fighting that tendency every single day.

for whatever reason, life has just been really stressful lately. and today i finally couldn't really handle it. all these little things that shouldn't have mattered, just started to get me really upset. I knew that losing a glove, losing a bible- it was not a big issue, but it was so annoying to have lost them (i'm still in denial about the journal...). then people were late; then things didn't go my way; then someone was annoyed at me. I just felt myself sinking into me-world. I knew it was happening, but I still couldn't stop it. all i can say now is, God-- once again, save me from myself.

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**addendum (1/13): link to the sermon here! (right click "save link as" to download mp3)
+ bible and journal found!!!

list for my man

Today at lunch we talked about the lists we make in our head about what we want in our future spouse (among many other things...). I've generally been of the camp of, when I see it I'll know. A list isn't really gonna help or change that. I think I can pinpoint much more clearly what I don't want, rather than what I do. But someone recently told me-- I think God wants us to think about who we are, what we're looking for, who is good for us. To be an active part of our own lives, even if God is in control of the ultimate plan.

One comment came out-- that you may have a nice long list of things you're looking for when you're younger, but as you get older, that list shrinks down. that kind of statement makes me begin to wonder, does that mean the older we get, the wiser we are? Or we just learn to settle with less than we had hoped for. i dunno, I hope that as I get older my list won't shrink, it'll change : maybe we lose the specificity of our attraction and find the root of that desire, for example-- its not that he's an amazing guitarist, its that he has the initiative, the dedication, and the ear to become one. And of course, I'm still really young, and very likely just being incredibly naive. :P
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not sure how feel about publishing my list, but here's all i could think of for now.

i want someone who is at least or more intelligent than I. is this judgmental/superficial? i do "size people up" on how intelligent i think they are, its just something i do. not to say that I filter friends that way, but i just like to find really smart people to respect; and you respect other people for other things too. i know i'm attracted to smart people, just based on my favorite movie characters who were all too smart for their own good - donnie darko, juno, house.

i like people who put a lot of thought into what they do. that there is purpose or thought put into everything that they do and say; i.e. if you're going to do something, do it well. i must say, i especially like when men are amazing cooks. well planned out events. attention to detail. clever/witty jokes. i tend to like guys who think a lot, sometimes too much.

i've always been attracted to men who are opinionated. When I first realized that, I thought- isn't that weird, since I'm totally the total opposite? But a friend responded by saying, I don't think that's true-- you may not be as vocal about it, but you know what you think. So maybe someone who will help me find the courage to have my own voice.

i want someone who sees complexity in the world. too often, i hear people trying to simplify the world, categorize people, polarize right and wrong, wrap the world into a neat well-worded adages and straightforward answers. i want someone who will be able to stand with me and simply marvel at everything we can't possibly understand.

In some ways I feel like a little child, just asking for everything I want without much regard to much else. But a lot of these things, I can't imagine letting go of; not having in my future husband. I like what DC told me: if it's good, God will purify and give it back to you. God, you tell me what'll still stay standing.

new years resolutions

1. read more books. i miss them. maybe 1/month? haha, pretty much anything will be more than i'm reading now.

2. restart my blog.

3. run 10 miles in sub 1:15.

i can't think of anymore.

happiness, v2

a while ago i wrote this entry on happiness:

From an online conversation with a friend:

do you ever wonder if other people are really more happy than you?

or that they just have the same level of happiness as youand are just satisfied with it or pretend that they are?

Been trying to figure out what it means to be truly happy.

Best I've figured out is that I think I've been really truly happy a few times in my life. They've correlated to when I got (or thought I was going to get) what really wanted, you know at the core. Like there are things that make me sort of happy: attention, acknowledgment, sense of accomplishment. But I think only because they give me a taste of what it is I really want. For me I think what I really want is to be deeply known and deeply loved. But I think after talking to other people, not everyone wants the same things.

Other random questions about happiness:

What does it feel like to be just happy?

Does everyone deserve to be happy? (seems like the answer ought to be yes- but why?)

Is that the point of life? To figure out how to be happy and then pursue it?

Is it noble to pursue happiness? If not, what's the alternative?

Can one person make you happy? Or is that too much to ask/demand of someone?

Clarissa Vaughn: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then. -The Hours

Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be. -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

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Recently I had another experience relating to happiness. It was one of those moments in life that was so simple yet significant. I went up to Hopkins to visit JZ and sat in on her bible study on Phlippians 4. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (4:12) The discussion struggled over the meaning of being content. Doesn't it seem a little paradoxical to be in want and be content and the same time? Another questions that was asked: are you content?

I answered no. I've always thought being content means that I don't have that feeling that-- "If I had this, then I would be happier." At that moment, I could think of so many things that fit that formula: for more people to pay attention/notice me, to be able to be bold and speak my mind, to impress people here at NIH/earn their respect, to lose 5 lbs. When I write it out, it sort of seems silly; but I know those feelings are very real, silly or not.

Later we talked about a recent sermon she heard on Micah 6, a passage I remember studying at retreat in ACF. It begins with God asking Israel, why have you turned away? "What have I done to you? How have I burdened you?" I have fulfilled all my promises to you, delivered you time and time again. The people respond by saying, what can we offer you now that we've screwed up? "Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil?"

God says: No. All I want is for you "to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Everything from that night all congealed for me when I was driving home-- I was just hit with such a sense of incredible happiness; I just wanted to sing and celebrate. All I could think was-- God I don't know where this is coming from, but I am so happy.

I was just overwhelmed with this sense of God's love. I think it was a combination of the David Crowder song I was listening to (How he loves us) and thinking about that Micah 6 passage. that God has been so faithful; remember the promises that he has fulifilled over and over. And has He asked much of you? No. not at all-- only that you would love justice and mercy and walk humbly with Him.

in that moment, everything else just paled in comparison. All those things that I feel would make me happier. It was like- whatever, who cares about anything else? God loves you.

I know this feeling is probably going to be fleeting. but as AK said in his testimony at church, at least I will know that it happened.

on making new friends

I realized once again, I don't like trying to make new friends. Starting the whole process again since moving here and going to a new church, I feel constantly nervous and self-conscious and can't shake the need to try to impress, i.e. very insecure. It's not that I don't enjoy meeting and getting to know new people, but I just thought I would have outgrown all these feelings by now.

I was talking to a friend about it all. And he was saying how he feels like his ego often gets in the way of allowing him to get to know people. Those snap judgments you make about people when you meet them that suddenly categorizes them into people you want to get to know and people you don't. As much as I don't like to admit it, I do it all the time; I tend to size people up the moment I meet them. I know part of my nervousness/insecurity comes from imagining that other people are as judgmental as me; I'm grateful that many of my friends have proved me wrong on that point. After admitting our judgmental-ness to each other, my friend exclaims: "apparently we passed each others' filters!" haha. true. But now that we're good friends, he pointed out the incredible paradox of it all -- despite all this nonsense, somewhere along the line our friendship has acquired an unconditional quality. He basically said, whatever you do now- i'd still accept you as a friend. Somewhere along the way, those filters ceased to matter?