miracle of life

i spent the last week in the newborn nursery, mostly examining healthy newborn babies for screening, and also attending some deliveries when extra hands were needed.

it was my first time witnessing birth. the "miracle of life." to be honest, its all pretty odd. I'm sure the labor process is really hard, but the actually delivery happens so quickly. In both vaginal and c-section births, it takes only a few seconds between when the head to emerges to when the whole baby pops out. And even though you know she's pregnant, I still get that feeling of "whoa! where did that baby COME from?"

you know what was the most striking to me? being there to witness a parent's first interaction with their new child. To see grown men pretend not to cry, or fumble with words because they are so overwhelmed with how much they are suddenly ready to love this child. (Mom's are usually preoccupied with other things, like breathing a sigh of relief or getting sewn back together...)

And the other was - the idea of bring a new person into existence. Like in the medical chart, there is absolutely nothing of course; and when presenting the babies, describing them as 5 hours old, or day of life (DOL) 2. And the nurses in the newborn nursery often play with the children by saying "welcome to the world!"

songs i like series, post 1

what kind of music do you like? is a question i've been getting often recently. i want to answer with something that is representative of what i enjoy, but also who i am. in the end, my mind always fixates on a few songs that i really love. while i like a lot of music for the way it sounds, in the end the songs i love are for what they have to say.

so i thought i'd post periodically about songs that i love and why.

samson - by regina spektor

lyrics:

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the morning light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the morning light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

to me the song imagines that samson's and delilah's love, while broken was still true in its own way- the way he loved her, despite her lies, flaws and betrayal. even after she had cut his hair, "he told me that i'd done alright, and kissed me til the morning light."

while the higher call was for samson to leave delilah and return to God, what if he hadn't? what if he had just continued to love her? maybe he wouldn't have brought the philistine temple columns down, maybe he wouldn't have made any dent in history, biblical or otherwise. would it have been okay to simply ask to be human, rather than great?

again, to me this song is about acknowledgement. acknowledging that maybe sometimes the things that we give up to follow God or "do the right thing," are not inherently bad. While the "right" choice may be clear, it is not always easy; and certainly not always black and white.

what the what?

just finished reading What is the What by Dave Eggers,

its the fictionalized biography of Valentino Achak Deng, a Sudanese refugee who was a kid when the civil war in Sudan broke out. In the preface, he writes that while "I was very young when some of the events in the book took place, and as a result we simply had to pronounce What is the What a novel. ... However it should be noted that all of the major events in the book are true." who knows how much is real and how much isn't, but certainly the heart of the story is centered in very true events.

It's taken me a few months to read with a slow draw in, but once I hit a point, I was pretty hooked. Last week I hit one passage in the book that made me fall in love with it. For these two pages, I could declare among my favorite books. Certainly its only in the context of the other 600 pages, that these pages matter. After experiencing one personal devastation after another, he speaks about trying to find trying to find comfort in God and prayer. "These authors, for whom I have great respect, still do not seem to know the doubts that one might have in the angriest corners of one's soul. Too often the tell me to answer my doubts with prayer, which seems very much like addressing one's hunger by thinking of food." There is something about the acknowledgement that as much as we try and hope to believe in God's greater good and purpose, to be comforted by wise words about the hope of resurrection after death - it is not always enough, sometimes not even close. i think it is the acknowledgement of the depth of the struggle, that speaks to the true depth of the faith.

He ends this section with this line, which I just spoke of incredible inner strength. "Achor Achor has been worried about me, but he has seen me improve. He knows I have been here before, that I have approached the precipice of self-termination and have walked away."

our nature

definitions -

the basic constitution of a person, who we are at the core

one's natural instincts

your default response, what you do before you think about it.

just something i've been thinking about. what are our true natures? how much control do we have over who we are and who we become? i supposed i maintain the idea that it is the choices that we make shape our future selves. each choice, each action changes you a little.

and lastly - where is the balance between accepting/loving who you are and hoping for a better version of yourself.

please

please say honestly, you won't give up on me.

and i shall believe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYht-Fpvu4g

this random thing

JP did a while ago, and for some reason I just felt like trying it.

It was one of those facebook tag other people chain things~

Rules:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/).
b. Using ONLY the first page, pick an image. (i picked only the first or last image on the page)
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3 (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php).
d. Save the image and post it on this note.

1. Pope John Paul & Mother Theresa MA14546175-0002, 2. Orange (365/340), 3. Mhhhh the sweetest candy cupcake from Crumbs., 4. Tahiti Lime, 5. When Waves Collide, 6. 082 - Mar 23 - Journaling, 7. Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation (CBCF) - Run for the Cure, 8. Seeking the truth, 9. Thoughtful Gorilla

The Questions:
1. What is your first name? Theresa
2. What is your favorite color? orange
3. What is your favorite food? chocolate - i think its the one food i have the most reoccurring cravings for.
4. Favorite drink? limeade
5. Dream vacation? hawaii
6. Favorite hobby? journaling
7. What you want to be when you grow up? i put in oncologist and got pictures of dogs/pets. so then i put in "cure cancer." haha.
8. What do you love most in life? seeking truth
9. One word to describe you? thoughtful.

school ties

just randomly watched this movie today. I remember Mr. Foster always using the story for examples and illustrations in AP English. I don't know why I like this particular moment, when everyone is mad at Brendan Fraser for not telling them he was Jewish/pretending he wasn't. You lied to us! they say. His response is:

i didn't lie to you. i lied to my father. i lied to myself.

conscious consumer

incomplete thoughts: there's a phrase that says you vote with your money.

it's true! where you put your money determines what businesses thrive and which don't. and in a way, buying products supports the system by which it was designed, produced, marketed. i was thinking about it, just because especially when we were in taiwan - my dad would always ask me after i bought something, where was it made?

its weird, even though I've always known this to be true, I don't think about it when I buy things. I just buy things that I like. And now that I've started trying to pay more attention, it's not easy! It's easier to buy something in order to support something (a business, or Taiwan for instance). To decide NOT to buy something is a lot harder -- I keep thinking, but i really like/want it! I supposed, I'm just not in the habit of thinking that way. But I don't think most people are; and that simply perpetuates the less than ethic business practices that allow companies to produce things faster and cheaper.

race for hope!

Caught the running bug!

Some friends from the cloister at the NIH just signed for Race for Hope in DC, a 5k on May 2 to raise money for the National Brain Tumor Society!

Just wanted to put out my support/donation link to see if anyone reading this would like to donate to my run! :D

Or even sign up to run with me!!

cherry blossom 10 miler

It was this weekend! 3 months of training culminated in a gorgeous day for a run, and an awesome team of cloister friends to run with. and if you're reading this, I'm sure the next thing you want to know was my time! so while training, made a remodified goal of 80 min rather than 75 like my crazy new years plan. Although, the year is not OVER yet, so there is still time for me to make that goal....

ran in 81:56, so didn't make the under 80 goal either, but my time was not bad! I'm not overly ecstatic about my time, I think I could have done better - spent most of the first 5-6 miles weaving through people since I was seeded in the last wave (didn't have a pace time entered when I signed up). Will try to avoid that for the next race... (the next race?!). Honestly kind of jealous of the guys who ran the race and made it in 78/79 min (my goal!) and didn't even train. sigh on being a girl...

but in better perspective - ran 8:12 splits, WAY faster than I ever imagined I could have run 3 months ago. and placed #855/8813 women - top 10%! :D

baptized!

I got baptized this easter! Just want to thank everyone who came out to celebrate this happy day with me. Although I've been a christian for a long time now, it was still really great just to celebrate being brought alive in Christ. (thanks to DHC for the photo, 3 of us praying together after the baptism)

Here's what I wrote up for my testimony, wanted to share:

I decided I needed to believe in Jesus in 6^th grade, because I didn’t want to go to hell. I was at a kids Friday night AWANA event with my friends and the leader (this huge white man) asked – if anyone wanted to accept Jesus he would pray with them. I was too intimidated by him so I never did. I officially accepted Jesus in eighth grade; praying a prayer privately to myself. I still went to church for similar reasons – not wanting to go to hell, get advice on how to be a better person, felt like I should.

It was during college that began to better understand what Jesus was really offering. But it was not so much through the exciting experiences with God I had, but through the darker moments. As a puritan prayer states – the way down is the way up; the valley is the place of vision. I often found myself chasing approval and attention from others (I still do); it felt almost like a drug, always wanting more, more, more. The acknowledgement that I got from others that my existence mattered was nowhere near enough to quench my longing, or to quell my fear that maybe it didn’t really matter that much. When I wasn’t getting what I wanted, I sulked and eventually just gave up. I went through constant phases of just wanted to be left alone, and to sleep, or watch tv; just generally not participate in life. Life fell into an emotionally numb monotony. I can’t say that I particularly disliked it, I was just – neutral. But what did seem unbearable was the repetitive stagnancy of each day; it was all the same, life without any discernable direction, just going in purposeless circles.

I had this habit of making myself feel sad – putting myself down, dwelling in my inferiority and all the things I couldn’t stand about myself. I knew I kept doing it because it satisfied some sort of twisted longing inside me – perhaps simply just to feel ANYTHING, even if it was pain. I knew I was being self-indulgent, letting myself wallow in self-pity; but I didn’t really care.

I finally realized- this is what Jesus came to save us from. This is death; these are glimpses of hell- less fiery than what I had once imagined, but more ominous. Above all, that Jesus had conquered death meant he offered hope. Hope that good would prevail over evil. That despite the heavy burdens and multitude of my personal demons – the battle was not lost! The fight that I had long given up hope on – was no longer impossible. Because Jesus had conquered death and hell, and He was with me. He gave me the strength to pick myself up and fight and LIVE. Jesus said, together we will conquer the death in you. Suddenly, what used to not matter (why fight if you know you are going to lose?) became infinitely important – that I fight and participate in life; not only for myself, but so that I could declare to others too that the battle was not lost! As death was conquered by life, I found I needed less and less for myself – ready to give more than I sought to receive. Overflowing with joy that I couldn’t help but share. The desire to love others deeply because I knew that I was loved. Alive.

I know what it is to be dead, and I know what it is to be alive. A few weeks ago Pastor Tom said – going from being dead to alive is a supernatural event. Of course it is! I thought. Clearly the resurrection of Jesus from a dead corpse to a living person was a supernatural event, duh! But in me too. To be brought from spiritual death to the fullness of spiritual life – could only be the work of my supernatural savoir.

oh c.s. lewis

recently got audiobook version of c.s. lewis's mere christianity. have always loved the book, but there is something about having it read to you in such a britishly matter of fact manner that is just soo funny. though I do have to say, after listening to him for 4 hrs straight on my drive home from Cleveland, my brain does hurt a bit--

some memorable quotes:

- on science: "Science works by experiments. It watches how things behaves. Every scientific statement in the long run, however complicated it looks, really means something like, "I pointed the telescope to such and such a part of the sky at 2:20 am on January 15th and saw so-and-so," or, "I put some of this stuff in a pot and heated it to such-and-such a temperature and it did so-and-so."

- on the old testament (very reminiscent of hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy i thought): "He (God) selected one particular people and spent several centuries hammering into their heads the sort of God that he was- that there was only one of Him and that he cared about right conduct. Those people were the Jews, and the Old Testament gives an account of the hammering process."

- on love: "Another notion we get from novels and plays is that 'falling in love' is something quite irresistible; something that just happens to one, like measles."

some insightful quips:

"It [Christianity] has just that queer twist about it that real things have."

"God is no fonder of intellectual slackers than any other slackers."

"When a man is getting better, he understands more clearly the evil that is still left in him. ... A moderately bad man knows he is not very good: a thoroughly bad man thinks he is alright."

further thoughts -

the chapter on pride hit me really really hard. i can see every part of my being drenched in pride in an incredibly self-satisfied way. that confidence so strongly relies on the sense of being higher or better than others. always judging, comparing myself. and how annoyed i get when people don't respect me or i feel like they treat me like i'm stupid. some of mr. lewis' thoughts on pride:

"the more we have it in ourselves, the more we dislike it others." he suggests, that if we want to know how proud we are, just see how much other peoples' pride annoys us.

"Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." he writes that "unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that are mere fleabites in comparison." which i completely agree with, but it just makes me cringe at how big of a deal today's church makes of these "fleabites" like homosexuality when "the worst of all vices can smuggle itself into the very centre of our religious life."

on vanity and seeking other people's praise - "It is a fault, but a childlike and even (in an odd way) a humble fault. It shows that you are not yet completely contented with your own admiration. You value other people enough to want them to look at you."

and lastly: "a proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you." and how much will you have missed out on!

cast iron, YUM.

Finally pulled out the cast iron plate Julia got me for Christmas to use. :D!!
because ... I bought pre-marinated pork bulgogi from H-mart yesterday.
aw man it was soooo good. Honestly, some of the best meat I've eaten at home before.

now thinking about the possibilities for using cast iron. high temp cooking!
I think I might need to try making steak sometime soon...

reading!

as to my new years resolution to read at least one book per month (it seems like quite a meager goal, but albeit realistic), I am making some progress. On my trip to taiwan I got a chance to finally really take time to READ. I forgot how good it feels to read; to get sucked into a book and not want to put it down.

so that inspired me to go on a book buying binge the other day. I went to b&n to buy a book. i was thinking about getting up in the air (i.e. movie based on book), but after flipping through it didn't look that enticing. So i ended up wandering around and found a table of "buy 2, get 3rd free!" books. Normally I'd think - that is way too many books to buy, and I need to stop buying books. But that day, I just thought, I think I'll read them all, hopefully.... So I came home with 1100+ pages of reading. But I'm already halfway through the first book! thanks to being sick and staying home.

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Books I've read (i'll try to keep updating on books i'm reading):
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. this book was incredible. It was the one that I couldn't put down. I bought it b/c i saw it at costco and it looked interesting so i just picked it up. its a memoir, incredibly a true story. The writing was beautiful and the stories were engrossing, but i think the most compelling thing about the whole book was that everything was real. It chronicles Jeannette's childhood in a family where her parents never had the resources, financially or emotionally, to take care of their children; the Walls kids band together to learn to take care of themselves, finding hope and optimism in situations that did not merit any. I was amazed once again by the resilience of children (of these children in particular), and at the same time angry that you had to find out about their resilience at all.

The Gospel According to the Son by Norman Mailer. JZ gave this book to me more than a year ago, but i never got around to finishing it. It's Jesus' life told from his point of view. I think what I like most about it is that he portrays Jesus as very human- not necessarily human as in flawed, but human as in able to be hurt, able to be weak, able to feel very deeply. It was sort of confusing, to read one person's imagined account of who Jesus might have been- to try to distinguish what was real and what was not. But in the end I think, Jesus was a man; Jesus was real. And we can't think of him as an abstraction; we all end up imagining our own picture of who he might have been. I think the last few sentences really resonate with who I imagine Jesus to be: "So I think often of the hope that is hidden in the faces of the poor. Then from the depth of my sorrow wells up an immutable compassion, and I find the will to live again and rejoice."

currently reading: Little Bee by Chris Cleave. "I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.
"In a few breaths' time I will speak some sad words to you. But you must hear them the same way we have agreed to see scars now. Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive. The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile."

work

so much snow work keeps getting cancelled. I've been stressed out about it b/c i have important experiments canceled but can't do them cuz the gov't keeps closing! I guess I should enjoy my time off, but getting stressed out about it instead.

i dunno why it's annoying to me when people tell me - why are you at work on a snow day?? stop working?! that i'm the only one who seems to be annoyed at the lost work week. that when i talk to people work seems to just be something you do- to get by, to make money/a living, because that's what you have to do.

and i know i'm probably an idealistic med student. but I guess being a student, that idea of going to work to put in your hours, as an obligation, as an obstacle to things you actually want to be doing with your time -- its so foreign to me. I mean, not to say that this is how i think everyone else feels about their job, but there is that aspect to it at times. While I'm doing research here at NIH, really i'm the one who benefits if I work hard, and i'm the one who pays if i don't.

what ever happened to simply believing in the intrinsic value of your work/job? I wonder what it will be like when i actually have a real job (many many years from now...)

bubble

currently listening to: only you by david crowder band

i know i live in a bubble. that i've been blessed in every way possible to be living in this bubble.
but there are just moments in life that remind me life isn't all fine and dandy, butterflies and rainbows.

this week:
1) just hearing more and more on haiti. i used to hate reading the newspaper/watching the news. sometimes i still do. Just more and more stories of brokenness in the world, things like haiti, things like economic hardship, but also so much of people hurting other people. In the depths of it all its just hard to see hope.

2) this past weekend when i went to PY's for church poker night. when i walked out of the metro i'm just standing on the escalator and then the lady in front of me says "that's no good." i look up and i see a young black guy vomit up blood onto the rail of a nearby escalator. two more are handcuffed on the ground. police and sirens everywhere. i had no idea what happened, but i passed some people on the street that mentioned some gunshots? i was pretty freaked out and just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible; this is definitely not what i expected at 7pm at gallery place. this was a pretty jarring experience for me, but for someone else it's just life. during all of this, my mp3 player was playing praan, a song from the where the hell is matt video (if you haven't seen it, i'd recommend it. a guy named matt goes and dances around the world, 42 different countries. that somehow invokes a feeling of common unity in human joy, that maybe there is hope for the world.) it just felt like an ironically sad moment straight out of a movie- as if to say, we still have a very very long way to go.

chameleon

i've just be realizing lately that i feel a lot like a chameleon. that i see myself tailoring my words and attitudes to whoever i'm talking to. because i think you'll agree more, laugh more, and of course like me more. but blehhh.... i really don't like it.

recent baking adventures

So I've been trying my hand at baking ever since moving to DC. I think having people to bake for, who want to eat my experiments helps. haha, i.e. small group mostly :P Here's a few of the things I've made recently:

Pecan pie, of course. Made it for christmas, as part of a "gift" for my dad. I don't know what it

is about pecan pie, but its sooo good. I think i've made at least 4-5 in the past few months for multiple thanksgiving and christmas occasions. haha, i'd say i'm perfecting it, but somehow it

comes out a little bit different every time.

Lime custard tart. I don't remember why i wanted to try this. But it turned out really good. Tiffany and I made it, also during Christmas, but

for my dad's birthday (12/28). I think my mom liked it the most! because she loves tart/tangy flavors. But yes, it was really good. I would definitely make it again. Thank you epicurious!

(http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Lime-Custard-Tart-107435)

Christmas cookies! Of course we had to make them. We had a few creative ones going-- like

state of maryland, taiwan, treasure chest (or house), snake, creepy smiley face... they were all delicious. Man i ate so many cookies over christmas.... This shot features tiffany's super asian/cute happy face. yay.

some of my recent experiments for small group:

Yes this is exactly what it appears to be-- chocolate covered bacon.

It turned out... interesting, is the only word i could used to describe it. I think i overcooked the bacon; though my personal preference is for chewy rather than crispy bacon. It was sweet and salty. I'm not dying to eat it again, but it turned out a lot prettier than i thought. I'd like to give it another shot someday, tweak the recipe a little. I think it has the potential to be pretty mindblowing...

And last but not least, my most recent baking endeavor-- red velvet cake balls! (Inspired by: http://www.bakerella.com/red-velvet-cake-balls/)

So I have eaten these before. I don't remember where, or when. But I remember being with JK, and being soo surprised at how moist they were on the inside. So when I ran across this baking blog recently with the recipe so I had to try it!!

First a before pictures, the balls are neatly in a row, before being dipped in the messy chocolate!

and the finished product:

yum. (yes i did purposely take a bite just to take that picture...)

p.s. had an amazing weekend in killington over MLK weekend-- Sunday morning, there was just a breathtaking view from the peak of the mountain-- of just this ocean of clouds below us. For that moment alone, it was worth the trip. But besides that, we had a blast~ :D

me-world

currently listening to: revive me by jeremy camp
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things i've lost in the past two days
one glove
a key ring with my giant bonus card, borders reward card, library card, etc.
a bible
my journal
my patience
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yesterday's sermon addressed the idea of "me-world." that somehow in our culture, in our language, our attitudes, we've come to believe that the world revolves around us. That we have come to believe that the solutions to our problems are all in the self-- self knowledge, self-esteem, self expression. It is these things that will save us.
Paul says: "For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)
In me-world, we say: "To live is me, and to die is the worst thing that can possibly happen." (death = the end of me)

the speaker made a reference to descartes I really liked-- he said (loose paraphrase), even descartes knew: "I am not the center/creator of the universe; I am not my own god. For if I were, then I would have constructed a world which was perfect for me. But, clearly this is not true." just to say, seriously, who do we think we are? even though I may think: "i'm not dumb, I know that I'm not God"-- but I still act like I am. I still act as if I can fix all my problems on my own; I still act as if I have control over what happens; I still act as if what I want is of infinite importance. I was just struck by how easy it is to fall into "me-world," even if I'm completely aware of God. It's not something you remind yourself once a year when a nice sermon comes along. you've got to be fighting that tendency every single day.

for whatever reason, life has just been really stressful lately. and today i finally couldn't really handle it. all these little things that shouldn't have mattered, just started to get me really upset. I knew that losing a glove, losing a bible- it was not a big issue, but it was so annoying to have lost them (i'm still in denial about the journal...). then people were late; then things didn't go my way; then someone was annoyed at me. I just felt myself sinking into me-world. I knew it was happening, but I still couldn't stop it. all i can say now is, God-- once again, save me from myself.

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**addendum (1/13): link to the sermon here! (right click "save link as" to download mp3)
+ bible and journal found!!!

list for my man

Today at lunch we talked about the lists we make in our head about what we want in our future spouse (among many other things...). I've generally been of the camp of, when I see it I'll know. A list isn't really gonna help or change that. I think I can pinpoint much more clearly what I don't want, rather than what I do. But someone recently told me-- I think God wants us to think about who we are, what we're looking for, who is good for us. To be an active part of our own lives, even if God is in control of the ultimate plan.

One comment came out-- that you may have a nice long list of things you're looking for when you're younger, but as you get older, that list shrinks down. that kind of statement makes me begin to wonder, does that mean the older we get, the wiser we are? Or we just learn to settle with less than we had hoped for. i dunno, I hope that as I get older my list won't shrink, it'll change : maybe we lose the specificity of our attraction and find the root of that desire, for example-- its not that he's an amazing guitarist, its that he has the initiative, the dedication, and the ear to become one. And of course, I'm still really young, and very likely just being incredibly naive. :P
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not sure how feel about publishing my list, but here's all i could think of for now.

i want someone who is at least or more intelligent than I. is this judgmental/superficial? i do "size people up" on how intelligent i think they are, its just something i do. not to say that I filter friends that way, but i just like to find really smart people to respect; and you respect other people for other things too. i know i'm attracted to smart people, just based on my favorite movie characters who were all too smart for their own good - donnie darko, juno, house.

i like people who put a lot of thought into what they do. that there is purpose or thought put into everything that they do and say; i.e. if you're going to do something, do it well. i must say, i especially like when men are amazing cooks. well planned out events. attention to detail. clever/witty jokes. i tend to like guys who think a lot, sometimes too much.

i've always been attracted to men who are opinionated. When I first realized that, I thought- isn't that weird, since I'm totally the total opposite? But a friend responded by saying, I don't think that's true-- you may not be as vocal about it, but you know what you think. So maybe someone who will help me find the courage to have my own voice.

i want someone who sees complexity in the world. too often, i hear people trying to simplify the world, categorize people, polarize right and wrong, wrap the world into a neat well-worded adages and straightforward answers. i want someone who will be able to stand with me and simply marvel at everything we can't possibly understand.

In some ways I feel like a little child, just asking for everything I want without much regard to much else. But a lot of these things, I can't imagine letting go of; not having in my future husband. I like what DC told me: if it's good, God will purify and give it back to you. God, you tell me what'll still stay standing.

new years resolutions

1. read more books. i miss them. maybe 1/month? haha, pretty much anything will be more than i'm reading now.

2. restart my blog.

3. run 10 miles in sub 1:15.

i can't think of anymore.