happiness, v2

a while ago i wrote this entry on happiness:

From an online conversation with a friend:

do you ever wonder if other people are really more happy than you?

or that they just have the same level of happiness as youand are just satisfied with it or pretend that they are?

Been trying to figure out what it means to be truly happy.

Best I've figured out is that I think I've been really truly happy a few times in my life. They've correlated to when I got (or thought I was going to get) what really wanted, you know at the core. Like there are things that make me sort of happy: attention, acknowledgment, sense of accomplishment. But I think only because they give me a taste of what it is I really want. For me I think what I really want is to be deeply known and deeply loved. But I think after talking to other people, not everyone wants the same things.

Other random questions about happiness:

What does it feel like to be just happy?

Does everyone deserve to be happy? (seems like the answer ought to be yes- but why?)

Is that the point of life? To figure out how to be happy and then pursue it?

Is it noble to pursue happiness? If not, what's the alternative?

Can one person make you happy? Or is that too much to ask/demand of someone?

Clarissa Vaughn: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then. -The Hours

Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be. -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

-----

Recently I had another experience relating to happiness. It was one of those moments in life that was so simple yet significant. I went up to Hopkins to visit JZ and sat in on her bible study on Phlippians 4. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (4:12) The discussion struggled over the meaning of being content. Doesn't it seem a little paradoxical to be in want and be content and the same time? Another questions that was asked: are you content?

I answered no. I've always thought being content means that I don't have that feeling that-- "If I had this, then I would be happier." At that moment, I could think of so many things that fit that formula: for more people to pay attention/notice me, to be able to be bold and speak my mind, to impress people here at NIH/earn their respect, to lose 5 lbs. When I write it out, it sort of seems silly; but I know those feelings are very real, silly or not.

Later we talked about a recent sermon she heard on Micah 6, a passage I remember studying at retreat in ACF. It begins with God asking Israel, why have you turned away? "What have I done to you? How have I burdened you?" I have fulfilled all my promises to you, delivered you time and time again. The people respond by saying, what can we offer you now that we've screwed up? "Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil?"

God says: No. All I want is for you "to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Everything from that night all congealed for me when I was driving home-- I was just hit with such a sense of incredible happiness; I just wanted to sing and celebrate. All I could think was-- God I don't know where this is coming from, but I am so happy.

I was just overwhelmed with this sense of God's love. I think it was a combination of the David Crowder song I was listening to (How he loves us) and thinking about that Micah 6 passage. that God has been so faithful; remember the promises that he has fulifilled over and over. And has He asked much of you? No. not at all-- only that you would love justice and mercy and walk humbly with Him.

in that moment, everything else just paled in comparison. All those things that I feel would make me happier. It was like- whatever, who cares about anything else? God loves you.

I know this feeling is probably going to be fleeting. but as AK said in his testimony at church, at least I will know that it happened.

on making new friends

I realized once again, I don't like trying to make new friends. Starting the whole process again since moving here and going to a new church, I feel constantly nervous and self-conscious and can't shake the need to try to impress, i.e. very insecure. It's not that I don't enjoy meeting and getting to know new people, but I just thought I would have outgrown all these feelings by now.

I was talking to a friend about it all. And he was saying how he feels like his ego often gets in the way of allowing him to get to know people. Those snap judgments you make about people when you meet them that suddenly categorizes them into people you want to get to know and people you don't. As much as I don't like to admit it, I do it all the time; I tend to size people up the moment I meet them. I know part of my nervousness/insecurity comes from imagining that other people are as judgmental as me; I'm grateful that many of my friends have proved me wrong on that point. After admitting our judgmental-ness to each other, my friend exclaims: "apparently we passed each others' filters!" haha. true. But now that we're good friends, he pointed out the incredible paradox of it all -- despite all this nonsense, somewhere along the line our friendship has acquired an unconditional quality. He basically said, whatever you do now- i'd still accept you as a friend. Somewhere along the way, those filters ceased to matter?

balance

i think this commercial is pretty awesome
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubuQ_M5xpio&NR=1
just wanted to share.

article from wayne
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/08/health/08chen.html?_r=2&partner=rss&emc=rss&pagewanted=all
i always worry a lot about how i'm ever going to balance my work and personal life in the future. like i wonder if because i'm a woman who wants a family i'll have to sacrifice/compromise things career wise that will make me feel short changed. i mean i think i would be totally satisfied with not being the most successful person ever, and being a good mother instead. at heart i'm not really that much of an ambitious person. but i think i just don't like the idea of settling - like getting an easier job so that i can be a mom.

i like this too: "I don’t get quite as annoyed by the toys and dirty socks in the living room when I see my healthy children."
sometimes forget to just be really thankful.

searching

I think there are some nights (yes usually nights) where I feel a striking sense of insignificance. That perhaps in the long (and maybe even short) run what I say, do, feel, am ... doesn't really matter. I think in these moments I'm constantly looking for affirmation.

I remember a time when I knew what I did mattered. When I felt like my gifts were being used for the betterment of others. When I could watch people grow in small group, think deeper about God, make challenging decisions because of the things I said. Maybe that's still happening here. I just don't know. I guess maybe sometimes I just want to know - that the efforts that I make, the things that I say really do matter. I mean sometimes I think I know - but I can always convince myself otherwise until I hear it from someone.

Somehow my solution to this feeling has always been one of avoidance - like watching TV. to lose myself in a world where i really can't make any impact at all, but somehow that doesn't matter.

!!

look!
julia's album art!

"the hardest thing is remembering, regardless of anything and everything, that yes, we are still and always worth something in God's eyes. that whatever it is we're searching for, we already have; we are already deeply loved."

quick update

i think most people who read this blog probably already know this, but I'll be moving to washington DC for the coming year! crazy right? I received a fellowship to do research at NIH for the next year. I'll be leaving in a dorm like place with 42 other scholars (including 4 other people from my med school). Subject of research is tba, but it is pretty exciting. Tiffany is gonna be there with me!

But i've definitely decided that once boards (june 17) i'm gonna start blogging again. writing is something that i've missed a lot. So check back for regular updates, instead of just pictures.

As for pictures, i decided to start a flickr photostream, so you can check out my photos there:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/trese63/
i read somewhere that you're supposed to try to be selective with the photos that you share with the public, so i think i'll try that out.

DC!

For spring break, I thought I'd go and visit some friends on the east coast. So far, I've been hanging out with Jenny. On Wednesday she skipped class and we to the nation's capital.
First we met up for lunch with my friend Tina in baltimore - she's at Peabody conservatory studying piano. The picture is terribly back lit, but oh well...

After that, Jenny and I headed down to D.C. we went to the national mall and visited some of the Smithsonian museums. Too bad they close so early.

We went to the Natural History museum. Jenny particularly liked this little mouse, it's a Dzhungarian hamster. so tiny and cute!

There was also a special orchid exhibit that was there, it was just like a jungle of orchids everywhere! It reminded me of the movie Adaptation and the ghost orchid - i kept looking for it, even though I'm not sure if it's actually real.


They also had an exhibit where they show winners of the annual National Geographic photography contests. The photos were really amazing. I really liked this one:

After the museums, we walked around the mall for a bit - I wanted to go to the new WWII memorial, I remember it being really pretty - but it was so far away! and cold. We walked to the Washington monument, and then decided to head out.

We were looking for a coffeeshop to do some homework in before dinner. And for some reason early that day we had been talking about the frozen yogurt (the type from pinkberrry and the like, and how Jenny said it's really good and she always can't wait to have it when she goes back to chicago or boston. And then we passed by a yogurt shop! So we went in and got some. Delicious :D
For dinner, we went to a really good Middle Eastern restaurant called Mama Ayesha's that Heng recommended. At first when Jenny and I passed by around 6 it looked kind of empty, and it was sort of by itself. But when we got there for dinner - it was bustling and filled with people. Josh Park and Mike Wu were able to join us after a long day at work for both of them! We had a good time hanging out with each other.


That night we had the wrong train schedule and we missed the last train back to balitmore on the MARC. Luckily during dinner Josh had already offered to let us stay at his hotel with him. He had already requested two beds in his room just in case, so we came over and hung out, watched some family guy and it was a good close to our DC adventure.
Heading out to Boston today! The weather's supposed to be gorgeous this weekend, a good way to close out spring break~

Lent

I've never done Lent before, but I think it might like to try it out this year.
I decided to give up dessert (specifically chocolate)
and watching TV/movies/videos by myself.
I'm writing here partially so who ever does read this, i'll feel more accountable to.
I think these are some of my non-productive stress relievers. like they help me relieve stress, but aren't that healthy or don't really get me anywhere. Like watching TV is a good way to run away from problems! I'm hoping the result will be that I take that time/energy to lean on God, or at least just spend time with Him (hopefully also via my journal).

Food!

We cooked and everything was so delicious! Julia, Joyce and I all decided try some new recipes and they all turned out delicious!
Joyce with all the food:

Chinese beef stew w/ star anise

Radish cake (Luo-bo gao)

Beef w/ chinese BBQ sauce (Sa-cha niu)

Baked Maple Salmon w/ pecan crust

And cookies!! (Chocolate chip oatmeal pecan) mmm...

YUM!

v for vendetta

We watched V for Vendetta in movie club today and it just got me thinking about some of the things I learned about the Taiwanese government nowadays. When we went back, it was all people were talking about - that, and the economy. A new president took office in May, and there was sort of a flip where a different party (KMT) took control of office. And whether or not I agree with the KMT's political stance, there seems to have been a gradual but disturbing loss of freedom/liberty since this new government took office. There were a lot of things that I didn't understand; I had a hard time understanding the news, my Chinese is still not that great yet.
The movie raises the question - if your government starts to falter, if your freedoms start to slip - are you willing to stand up and fight against that (even in the face of fear of disaster)? And an underlying question, which I don't think the movie addresses - is how hard do the people need to fight for the government to listen?

Things I learned when I was in Taiwan -
- In Taiwan, most of the media is controlled or monitored by the government. Only one newspaper is privately owned - and it was able to be started because an incredibly rich man funded it and lost money for a long time, but was willing to pay.
- There are only one or two TV stations that are not monitored/censored by the government. When we were there, on the news, there was a large protest because the public educational channel (that is largely funded by the government) was being threatened to be shut down - either they allow the government to screen and censor all their programs, or else the government would shut down their funding.
- A friend of my parents works to collect historical Taiwanese items and had made a mini museum displaying the items, many of them are significant to historical events in Taiwan that many Taiwanese people don't even know about, because they never learned about them in school. They have kept the place hidden, because they are afraid the items will be confiscated if the government finds out.
- When a Chinese official in charge of Taiwan-China relations came to visit the island, people were forcibly forbidden to display the Taiwanese flag. in order to please China? This comment from a blog echos many sentiments I heard: "There are no other ethnic groups on earth would discriminate against themselves besides Taiwanese. Shame on you, my fellow Taiwanese!!"
- I've heard rumors about the political party in control/executive branch of government starting to take control of the judicial court as well.
- The previous Taiwanese president was arrested and handcuffed at 2am from his home. for suspected charges of corruption. About to go on trial soon. Many other officials who had connections with the former president have also been detained for questioning.
- Taiwan had been previously rated as one of the most "free" countries by Freedom House (an international human rights org). Holding clean and peaceful elections, and a high level of politcal freedoms and civil liberties. But it has been flagged by this organization for monitoring because of recent events.

“The latest events appear to signal a disturbing erosion of civil liberties and human rights in Taiwan.”
— from a letter signed by 14 members of the US Congress to President Bush


What can you do? It makes me scared and sad at the same time. Yet I feel as if the people are so powerless. So many people are in an uproar. Yet the government seems to still march on, unhindered because their political party holds the power/control now. The only power that the people have is by the way of the media (gradually becoming more controlled by the government) and through freedom of speech/assembly (being met by more and more police brutality). My dad says that if things keep continuing on they way they are, there's going to be a big riot. But it is true, that many people still remain complacent. That on many issues the Taiwanese are still letting things happen to them (I saw a news report about a gas leak in Gao-Xiong that was making people sick. The gas leak was right near an elementary/middle school. They knew people were getting sick, but kids were still going to school anyway; they only stayed home if they were already sick. And it took them weeks to try to track down the source. why???)
So the only thing I can do is become informed. And remind myself of how thankful I am to be living in a country where we do have a lot of freedoms. In a society that holds those freedoms as our human God given rights, and that I faith will stand up and hold the government accountable if those freedoms start to falter.