a while ago i wrote this entry on happiness:
From an online conversation with a friend:
do you ever wonder if other people are really more happy than you?
or that they just have the same level of happiness as youand are just satisfied with it or pretend that they are?
Been trying to figure out what it means to be truly happy.
Best I've figured out is that I think I've been really truly happy a few times in my life. They've correlated to when I got (or thought I was going to get) what really wanted, you know at the core. Like there are things that make me sort of happy: attention, acknowledgment, sense of accomplishment. But I think only because they give me a taste of what it is I really want. For me I think what I really want is to be deeply known and deeply loved. But I think after talking to other people, not everyone wants the same things.
Other random questions about happiness:
What does it feel like to be just happy?
Does everyone deserve to be happy? (seems like the answer ought to be yes- but why?)
Is that the point of life? To figure out how to be happy and then pursue it?
Is it noble to pursue happiness? If not, what's the alternative?
Can one person make you happy? Or is that too much to ask/demand of someone?
Clarissa Vaughn: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then. -The Hours
Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be. -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-----Recently I had another experience relating to happiness. It was one of those moments in life that was so simple yet significant. I went up to Hopkins to visit JZ and sat in on her bible study on Phlippians 4. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (4:12) The discussion struggled over the meaning of being content. Doesn't it seem a little paradoxical to be in want and be content and the same time? Another questions that was asked: are you content?
I answered no. I've always thought being content means that I don't have that feeling that-- "If I had this, then I would be happier." At that moment, I could think of so many things that fit that formula: for more people to pay attention/notice me, to be able to be bold and speak my mind, to impress people here at NIH/earn their respect, to lose 5 lbs. When I write it out, it sort of seems silly; but I know those feelings are very real, silly or not.
Later we talked about a recent sermon she heard on Micah 6, a passage I remember studying at retreat in ACF. It begins with God asking Israel, why have you turned away? "What have I done to you? How have I burdened you?" I have fulfilled all my promises to you, delivered you time and time again. The people respond by saying, what can we offer you now that we've screwed up? "Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil?"
God says: No. All I want is for you "to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
Everything from that night all congealed for me when I was driving home-- I was just hit with such a sense of incredible happiness; I just wanted to sing and celebrate. All I could think was-- God I don't know where this is coming from, but I am so happy.
I was just overwhelmed with this sense of God's love. I think it was a combination of the David Crowder song I was listening to (How he loves us) and thinking about that Micah 6 passage. that God has been so faithful; remember the promises that he has fulifilled over and over. And has He asked much of you? No. not at all-- only that you would love justice and mercy and walk humbly with Him.
in that moment, everything else just paled in comparison. All those things that I feel would make me happier. It was like- whatever, who cares about anything else? God loves you.
I know this feeling is probably going to be fleeting. but as AK said in his testimony at church, at least I will know that it happened.
